True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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