Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
