If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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