just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
