But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
