and you said cock pushups were impossible
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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