I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
