you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
