my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
