Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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