Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
