Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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