Your mouth is God's brothel.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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