well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
