guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
