i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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