Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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