Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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