I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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