I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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