I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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