Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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