looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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