her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
