There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
