The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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