I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
vagina is talking i cant
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
