finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
