so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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