Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize