The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
