I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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