billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Im part way to drunk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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