she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
