She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
