I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
