I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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