she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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