its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
