Tell her she can't have a vagina
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize