I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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