I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
