i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
