You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
