last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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