Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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