The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
