Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize