he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
