i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
