someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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