I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
