I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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