I just saw a hot homeless man
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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