Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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