How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
