I accidentally had phone sex last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
