He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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