I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
