i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
