just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
