the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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