how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
