WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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