remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
